Kobe to Maid -- You Can Sue, But You Can't Talk!

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Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa have filed a cross-complaint against their former maid -- but all they really want is for her to keep her mouth shut.

According to court docs filed yesterday, the Bryants fully acknowledge Maria Jimenez's right to battle them in court -- although they say her claims of abuse are "without merit." What the Bryants are really concerned with is the confidentiality agreement they claim Jimenez signed when she was hired in 2007 -- which prevents her from talking to the press and other third parties.

The Bryants feel, according to the docs, that Jimenez's press tour following her lawsuit is in violation of that agreement.

Jimenez is suing the Bryants, specifically claiming Vanessa was incredibly abusive -- even demanding that she put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a tag from her blouse

They are all due back in court in July.

UPDATE: William Vogeler, potential Kobe-stopper and lawyer for Maria Jimenez has just released an exclusive statement to TMZ.

"The Bryants claim that they treated Maria Jimenez with the utmost respect, yet they want to silence her from talking about it. Fortunately, my client has a First Amendment right to talk about how they treated her.

Ultimately, a judge and jury will decide what really happened in the Bryant's home, And the last time I checked, the court is open to the public."

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Kelly Slater's Longboard Reserved For One

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Sorry girls -- but the sexy surfing piece of man meat that is Kelly Slater is off the market.

The ladykiller, who's reportedly hooked up with Gisele Bundchen, Pamela Anderson, Bar Rafaeli and Cameron Diaz in the past, broke the bad news to us yesterday: He's got a longtime GF.

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Rick Fox & Eliza Dushku Game On

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Former Laker Rick Fox, 39, and "Dollhouse" star Eliza Dushku, 28, put those dating rumors to rest ... by sucking face in public yesterday.

Cricket Star Has Dirty Wicket -- Benched for Warts

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"We wanna pitcher, not a genital itcher!"

This is actually true -- one of the stars of the Pakistan National Cricket team has been officially benched for a case of the crotch rot ... more commonly known as genital warts.

The Pakistan Cricket board have classified the condition as an "injury" and have decided to sit the player in their next tournament ... he just won't be allowed to sit near anyone else on the team.

Here's the official statement from the PCB: "The medical board has reported that Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from genital viral warts and the wound needs further care and treatment for another 10 days."

Thanks, we think, to Deadspin for bringin' this to our attention...

Celebrity Laker Fans -- It's Game Time!

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The best place to spot a celebrity is at a Lakers home game ... on and off the court!

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WWE -- Nuggets Tried to Put Words in Our Mouth

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It looks like the only person who doesn't know Vince McMahon hates the owner of the Denver Nuggets is the owner of the Denver Nuggets -- and the proof is in an unreleased press release we just got our mitts on.

Before a deal had been made regarding the stadium dispute, the unreleased draft was written by Kroenke Sports and submitted to the WWE for their approval to send out to the media. It contained the following pre-written, butt-kissing, "quote" from Vince McMahon -- a quote Vince claims he never, ever said:

"By all accounts, Mr. Kroenke is one of the most respected professional sports team owners in the world, and the professional way he and his staff good-naturedly handled this conflict gives further testament to the type of business leader he is. We look forward to Sunday's WWE event and future events at the Pepsi Center."

We all know Vince had different things to say about Kroenke.

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Guy Ritchie -- Head of the Jiu-Jitsu Class

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When Guy Ritchie's Jiu-Jitsu sparring partner said he wanted to earn a blue belt ... this wasn't what he meant.

Get a whiff of those skills.

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Michael Vick's Career -- Under Construction

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Newly freed dog-fighter Michael Vick is gonna need a hammer and a hard hat to rebuild his image -- dude just got a job as a construction worker.

TMZ has learned Vick is set to start his work release job at WM Jordan Construction in Virginia. But if the former NFL star is sent out into the field, he will be extremely limited -- meaning he won't be allowed to work on any government sites because he's a felon.

We're told people in the company think Vick got the job because he used to work for the company back in his Virginia Tech days.

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WWE Sticks It to Denver, Moves Event to L.A.

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The Denver Nuggets won the battle -- but the WWE isn't finished with their war.

After Vince McMahon raised hell when the team's owner screwed up and double booked the Pepsi Center for a WWE event on the same night as an NBA playoff game between the Nugs and the Lakers, the wrestlers have finally agreed to take their show on the road.

But in what seems to be a premeditated twist of fate, Vince is bringing the show to the Staples Center in L.A. -- home of the Lakers.

The Pepsi Center is now stuck having to refund thousands of tickets.

Cristiano Ronaldo Measures Up

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Soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo sized up his prowess on the field while practicing in England today.

Everyone knows what a big star the 24-year-old Manchester United winger is.

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LaLa on Courtside Catfight: 'That Was Stupid!'

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Now that Carmelo Anthony's fiance, LaLa Vazquez, has gotten some time to cool off, she's calling her basketball brawl one "stupid" mess.

During a Denver Nuggets game in Dallas last week, LaLa got into it with some Mavericks fans near her in the stands -- and then cussed out security when they tried to remove her. She later said she was defending herself against racist slurs and threats.

But last night in L.A., LaLa dropped a few fighting words on her way out of Katsuya -- predicting that her man's team will take down the Lakers. We'll see about that...

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Vick's Release -- 'A Beautiful Thing?!'

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A whole lotta pooches probably aren't too happy Michael Vick was released from prison this morning -- but we found at least one guy who is: Retired football player Warren Sapp.

Last night outside Villa, Sapp said Vick has paid "more than enough" for bankrolling a dogfighting ring, and calls his release "A beautiful thing."

Vick will serve his final two months of his federal sentence on house arrest in his Hampton, Va. home.

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Derek Fisher: This Is My REAL Wife

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Derek Fisher was granted a permanent restraining order this week against a crazy fan who claimed they were married -- but we got the L.A. Laker out last night with his actual wife who agreed, "some people need a little help."

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Leo's Fist Will Go On

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Leonardo DiCaprio was so excited at last night's Lakers game that he put up his dukes ... to fist bump the hot dog vendor.

Despite the Lakers win, this is the most emotion you will see too cool for school Leo (or pal Anthony Kiedis) display in public.

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Michael Vick Out of Prison

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Lock up your puppies -- Michael Vick is out of prison.

Vick left prison early this morning and is on his way to his home in Hampton, Va. where he will serve the final two months of his federal sentence on house arrest.

His release was shrouded in secrecy over concerns for his safety.

Vick served the past 19 months at Leavenworth Penitentiary in Kansas after pleading guilty to bankrolling a dogfighting ring.

NBA Legend Hates Being Washed Up, Sues

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Elgin Baylor, one of the greatest players in the history of the NBA, is literally dripping with anger -- and rain -- because the guy claims there's a serious problem with the roof of his Beverly Hills mansion.

It all started in February 2008 -- when a "violent rainstorm" pounded Baylor's home, and leaked water damaging several rooms. Baylor claims his insurance company cut him a check, but a few months later they wanted to do testing on his roof -- that's when Elgin claims things went from bad to worse.

In the lawsuit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, Baylor claims the company "failed to repair damages from the testing, leaving holes and openings in the structure." By February 2009 -- Baylor claims the holes still hadn't been repaired -- and a new rainstorm messed the house up even worse.

Now, he's suing his insurance company and the builder for unspecified damages.